How to Give and Receive Feedback Effectively

Have you ever noticed how difficult it can be to give and receive feedback? Many of us—whether as leaders, team members, parents, or friends—struggle with feedback. We become feedback fragile, reacting defensively or shutting down when we receive constructive criticism. But why does this happen, and how can we improve?

What Is Feedback Fragility?

Feedback fragility refers to our sensitivity to receiving feedback, especially when it challenges our self-perception or highlights areas for improvement. Instead of viewing feedback as a valuable gift, we often perceive it as a threat, leading to defensive responses or avoidance behaviors.

Why Are We So Fragile When It Comes to Feedback?

1. Ego Protection: Our ego wants to maintain a positive self-image. When feedback conflicts with how we see ourselves, it feels like an attack, prompting defensiveness.

2. Fear of Judgment: Many of us worry about being judged or not measuring up to expectations. Feedback can trigger feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt.

3. Past Experiences: Negative experiences with poorly delivered or harsh feedback can make us hesitant to receive it again.

4. Lack of Skill: Both giving and receiving feedback are learned skills. Many of us were never taught how to navigate these interactions effectively, leading to misunderstandings and discomfort.

The Right Way to Receive Feedback

One of the most powerful steps you can take to overcome feedback fragility is to adopt a thankful mindset. When someone offers feedback—whether it’s a simple note like “Your breath smells, maybe grab some mouthwash” or a deeper critique on your performance—the best first response is simply:

“Thank you.”

By expressing gratitude, you accomplish several things:

• You Disarm Your Defensiveness: Acknowledging feedback with a “thank you” creates a pause that helps prevent knee-jerk defensive reactions.
• You Open Yourself to Learning: Receiving feedback with an open mind allows you to extract value from the information, even if it’s hard to hear.
• You Build Trust: When you receive feedback well, people are more likely to continue providing it, offering you more opportunities to learn and grow.

Practical Tips for Receiving Feedback

1. Stay Open: When someone asks if they can give you feedback, say yes with an open mind. Even if you feel nervous, allow yourself to listen fully before responding.

2. Separate Intent from Content: Even if you question the motives behind the feedback, focus on the message. What can you learn from it?

3. Reflect Before Reacting: Instead of immediately defending yourself or explaining your actions, take a moment to process what you’ve heard.

4. Ask Clarifying Questions: If the feedback is vague, ask for specific examples to better understand the situation.

How to Give Feedback Without Triggering Fragility

Feedback fragility is not just about how we receive feedback but also how we give it. To offer feedback that others can accept:

• Be Specific: Vague feedback often feels like an attack. Specific feedback is easier to process and act upon.
• Use a Positive Approach: Start with what’s working well before moving into areas for improvement.
• Provide Context: Explain why the feedback is important and how it aligns with goals or expectations.

Why Building Feedback Resilience Matters

Learning to handle feedback with grace is crucial in every aspect of life:

• In Leadership: Leaders who can give and receive feedback effectively create cultures of growth and accountability.
• In Personal Relationships: Feedback improves communication and deepens connections with family and friends.
• In Personal Growth: Feedback helps identify blind spots and accelerates personal development.

In upcoming videos, I’ll delve deeper into feedback fragility, offering more strategies and models to improve this critical skill. If you have specific questions or topics you’d like me to address, please share them in the comments.

And as always, keep learning, growing, and improving how you give and receive feedback!